always, davilin.marie

So, I’ve gone and graduated college…yesterday…with honors.
It’s not as exciting as it should be you know…I have so much more to get done that it’s just another stepping stone (a fucking large stone, though).

I’ve decided that this is going to be a fucking awesome summer.

I am going to continue and expand on my photo project “Fat” and even collaborate with one of my professors on a similar project using tintypes! Hopefully this leads up to a solo show…or a collaborative show with that professor. That is the plan anyway. I’m revising my self-portrait sessions book and creating another book focused on other bodies than my own. A collaboration, two books, and a show would be so marvelously fantastic.

Also, I’m working, taking the Psychology GRE subject test, applying to grad schools, expanding my portfolio, increasing my volunteer hours, and moving to east Texas in the fall for a year before going to grad school. (I may already have a job when I get to East Texas…which is great.)

Plus maybe kinda sorta attempting to have a social life as I ace this summer break?

So part of me is excited, part of me is terrified, and part of me is bracing for all that I have and want to do next.

i graduate college on saturday…and all i keep thinking how i have so much more to do.

and it’s disheartening in some ways

because life is so short
so very short

and i spend most of my time waiting for things to happen

there is always an obligatory next step

and i don’t like living my life that way

it’s fantastic because there is so much more for me to experience

and it’s frightening

because there is only so much time to do it in

and with my lack of afterlife beliefs
it’s all the chance i get

but first i have to take that next step

and my ambivalence is immense

they say we’re perfect for each other
but i’m sorry because i’m not on that level
i love you to your bones and the beats of your heart
but i’ll never want you
the way you want me
and you can’t turn your quest to an unobtainable ideal
because the frequency of your mind
doesn’t match the timbre of mine

am i the only one who has weird conversations in their head but never say it out loud bc then you’re the odd girl talking to a snail

like

hello there little snail, how are you?
where are you going little snail, if you could speak would you tell me?
I would help you…unless the journey is more important than the destination…unless the destination is food…and I for one think food is pretty awesome.
Alright then, goodbye little snail. Enjoy your journey.
and the foods.

…yeah that just happened.

my head and my heart aren’t getting along these days…

the concept of permanence
that even when you can’t see something it still exists

sometimes i feel like i missed the boat on that one
because once you leave
i feel like it was all a lie i created
and that you were never there to begin with
and that you’re not real
and that what i feel is only real to me
and then i don’t know if i’m real either

and i think i’m on the losing side of this battle
but i am fighting the feeling
that i can’t resign myself to the losing side
or seeing it as a loss
because i don’t know if i ever had it in the first place

you don’t know (but i’m noticing)

there was a red sky
that morning
so we took our warning
before we even took a step
into the shallows
but it didn’t seem to help
at all
our bearings were scattered
before we could stop the fall

and i know i’m going under
because all i can remember
is my eyes as they find you
my body still reacts to you
i still lose my breath
but i know i doesn’t matter
anymore

my eyes are still used to searching
for you in a crowd
my breath is still used to
catching
when i see you in the light
and it’s angled just right
my body is still used to
yours moving next to mine

crawling beneath my skin
with little more than
luck to hold me in

words used to
spin like cotton candy
on my fingers

now fall like bitter
ashes

coat my tongue with
acrid lies

and i want to care
but i can’t

insomnia anxiety hate food love food can’t eat can’t sleep can’t stay awake can’t care enough care too much robot emotions too many emotions my mental server is overloaded and i just can’t connect gotta be more chill loosen up freak out fuck off lost confused in control out of control crave despise loathe desire conflict inner turmoil change no motivation sudden burst of inspiration complete lack of association breakdown of locomotion catatonia can’t stay still procrastination over-achievement done done done

sometimes i just want to stay alone because no one and nothing else matters

i think that is supposed to be a problem

but i don’t care

had to leave a class bc i was having a panic attack
so instead of opening the medicine cabinet and self-medicating
i went for a run
huge success for me guys
things are still crazy but i’m going to be okay
and that’s a big deal for me

so now my hair is a hot mess and my legs feel like jello
but my mind is calmer